Oliver Xu
In today’s world, we view insecure people as weak. Most people think it is wrong to be insecure, meaning that we should avoid feeling it at all costs. I’m here to argue that there is nothing wrong with insecurity. In fact, insecurities can be sources of growth if we only learn to understand them.
Everyone has insecurities. They are an unavoidable fact of life. Just like any other emotion, the feeling of insecurity has biological benefits. It protects us from harm. For example, let’s imagine that I am insecure about receiving criticism for being overweight. My subconscious cannot distinguish insecurity from other kinds of stress and fear, such as the terror that I feel when a lion chases me. My insecurity about my body weight might as well be a threat to my life. To avoid being criticized, to try to survive, I will try my best to exercise, lose weight, and attain a healthier body.
Now that I have established that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with insecurity, I will define what insecurity means to me. Insecurity is simply that which you don’t want to happen. I don’t want to be eaten by the lion. I don’t want other people to think I’m fat. Thus, I will do my best to prevent myself from fulfilling my insecurities.
So if insecurity is not fundamentally wrong, then why even care? Insecurities are not all bad, but we shouldn’t let them control us. Some people build their whole lives around avoiding insecurity. For example, a gay man is insecure that his friends will judge him if he comes out. He pretends to be straight so that he can avoid judgment. Another person is insecure about her legs, so she doesn’t wear shorts, even if it’s scorchingly hot outside. These examples, though random, demonstrate that insecurities can be about anything and that everyone has different insecurities.
When we allow insecurity to control us, we pay a heavy price: personal identity and happiness. For example, imagine that I’m insecure that my friends will judge me because I don’t make much money. Let’s say I can choose between two jobs. One is a job that I enjoy and one is a job that I hate. The job that I hate pays thirty thousand dollars more per year. If I let my insecurity control me, I will sacrifice my personal happiness for a bigger salary. I will also lose my self-identity because, instead of choosing something that I want, I’m choosing a standard set by others. I pay this price for what — a few moments of praise? To avoid judgment?
None of these examples are morally wrong actions or feelings. Again, there is nothing wrong with being insecure and letting insecurity control you. However, just like any other feeling, acting on insecurity has real-life repercussions. What matters is whether you are willing to accept these repercussions. Are you willing to lose your self-identity and happiness so that you can protect yourself from some kind of pain?
Here’s the thing: do you even understand the pain that you are trying to avoid? By studying and being aware of our insecurities, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves. For example, I am insecure about my ability to perform well on exams. My insecurity probably stems from the intense pressure my father put on me when I was growing up. If I received a less-than-satisfactory score on exams, he would beat me. Even when I got a good grade on an exam, my father would never validate me. Eventually, I became insecure about my own ability to reach my father’s standard on exams. For many years, my insecurity caused me a lot of pain. It wasn’t until I became aware of my insecurity- until I truly understood it- that I was able to validate it. When I validated it, I was finally able to see my insecurity as nothing more than someone else’s standard.
Now, that does not mean that other people’s standards are wrong. We can master our insecurities if we reflect on the standards that structure our lives and envision how they impact us in the long-term. Instead of looking at standards on a surface-level, we must examine how such standards connect with our own needs and wants. We have all lived with ourselves the longest, so, out of anyone in the world, we know ourselves the best. Therefore, if we truly want to be happy with ourselves, we should follow standards that are based on our own wants, rather than the wants of others or the “not wants” of ourselves.
There are seven billion people in this world. There will always be people who will enjoy what you enjoy and people who will love you as a person, people who will accept you and the things that you like. There will always be people there to support you, but it is up to you to go find these people. Will my life suddenly become happier if I make more money? Will I be happier just because I met someone else’s standard? My argument here is no. When forming our identity around other people’s standards, we become more unhappy. This is because insecurity closes off opportunities for self-growth and self-development. It closes off opportunities for trying new things that you may love and being the person you want to be. If you let insecurity control you, you might lose the opportunity to genuinely connect to others who truly love you for who you are.
I recommend writing down a list of your insecurities. Every week, sit down and try to figure out where your insecurities stem from. From there, you will have a clearer view of how to proceed. Insecurity is not bad; rather, it is simply a part of you that is calling out for attention and understanding. All insecurities stem from the fear of not being good enough for the rest of the world. Here’s the truth: the world doesn’t decide whether you are good enough or not. Neither do your parents. And neither do your friends or even your enemies. You decide for yourself whether you are good enough or not. If we can understand that we must give ourselves the means and the ends to be good enough, then we can start to understand and let go of insecurities one by one. We can begin to recognize that insecurities are merely a projection of other people’s standards about what is, and isn’t, good enough.
Each one of us is more than good enough. I don’t have to tell you why. Look within yourselves.
